Sunday, 18 January 2009

Past Tense

I apologize if you thought you were in for a witty, sharp, punchy little number of a post, after all there must be one due along soon... but not today! Happenings this weekend have left me puzzled, thoughtful and if I'm honest, a little perplexed so the blog has to bear the brunt of it; I guess that at least lets Other Half off the hook anyway!

Towards the end of the summer I wrote that I had made contact with a friend from years past, someone who I considered to be more like a sister - we were two peas from a pod in lots of ways but very different in others that possibly only surfaced later. The reconnection was as a result of some late night, drunken Friends Reunited surfing - note to self - delete membership instantly and do not succumb in the future - it serves no useful purpose other than to perhaps indulge in some fond, bittersweet memories. 

A wise person, or maybe a tipsy and philosophical me person, once said that the past is in the past for a good reason and there it should stay. Anyway, having received an enthusiastic response from my past, we arranged to meet in September. Due to a last minute child issue on her part the meeting was cancelled so a few months, texts and a Christmas later, we had arranged to meet up today. We got to six o clock yesterday evening and were arranging time and place etc when out of the blue I got a text saying that she'd changed her mind and felt it best that we didn't meet.

To say I was surprised would be a bit of an untruth; every time Other Half had asked me if I was looking forward to seeing her, my response was "Yes, if it actually happens" so I think I knew right from the start how it would end... or not even get off the ground.

I don't have the inclination to go into too much detail, nor feel that I should, but it led me to remember why I quietly snuck out of the friendship some six years ago. Meetings were cancelled, everything became slightly erratic and I ended up feeling like I was quite frankly nothing but a pain in the arse. Which perhaps I was..... perhaps I was too needy of our friendship; after all we shared many major life events between us - marriages, divorces, unwanted pregnancy, death of a parent, realisation that a parent wishes to remain absent; not to mention the many disastrous romantic entanglements. Perhaps it all took its toll and we had nothing left to give in the end. A sentence that you only expect to apply to a relationship but nonetheless one that seems to fit in this instance.

So whilst I accept that, in this case, the past will remain firmly where it is, I do feel a tinge of sadness that we maybe lost a chance to share some better stuff at a time when our lives had finally come into land in a less turbulent place. But then perhaps hers hasn't so I'm not judging... as I said, I'm just puzzled, thoughtful and a little perplexed.    


auntiegwen said...

Nostalgia can be a bitch, but if it's any consolation I'd be a bit perturbed by her behaviour as well.

Tara@Sticky Fingers said...

Aww, that's so horrible. But you really don't know the circumstances and you probably never will so it's just not worth beating yourself up about it.

Anyway, I'M your 'more like a sister' friend - albeit over the ether and we haven't actually met and we don't even know what we're like - but anyway. I feel your pain, but you're better than that and you've got a gorgeous family and a blog. I mean what more do you want woman?
Oh, chocolate? Go on then, just this once . . .

Home Office Mum said...

Friends from the past are funny things. You want to catch up just so that you can find out how they are/how things have changed - but after finding that out, it's rare that there's more there. It's sad. Sorry you're feeling down about it though.

A Confused Take That Fan said...

I agree with Tara, it's not worth beating yourself up about. Sometimes friendships fade and there is usually a reason for this. Real friends you stay in touch with. If it was meant to be, you wouldn't have ever stopped being friends. Facebook/friends reunited is an intriguing concept. I have over 150 friends on facebook, of which I would count about 10 of them my real friends who I actually meet up with and who know about me and my family. Just because you share a past doesn't mean you are friends in the present. It deffo won't be your fault anyway, 'cos you are lovely!!

lunarossa said...

I think it's better like this. You will avoid further disappointment in the future. Keep your dear friends close and cut out the "dead branches". Sound cynical maybe, but life is too short. Cheer up! All the best. Ciao. Antonella

notSupermum said...

Difficult situation, but probably for the best that you didn't meet up. You said your self that in the past this sort of behaviour was typical - cancelling meetings etc - so it just shows that she hasn't changed.

I had a similar situation recently, a friend I had been very close to got back in touch after 2 years of no contact (mutual). We have met a couple of times since, but I have realised that actually, I just don't enjoy her company as much as before, and mainly it's because I have changed. I used to tolerate of lot more stuff than I do now - I just don't have the inclination or energy anymore, so I don't know if I want to continue meeting up with her again.

Sometimes friendships have run their natural course and we move on.

Susanna (A Modern Mother) said...

People go through stages in life at different times ... who know where she is right now.

But it is sad when a friendship fizzles...a part of you goes with it.

Look on the bright side, you still have all your weird and wonderful bloggy friends!

Yummy Mummy said...

She sounds like a royal bitch. I have had my share of heart break by some so called "best friends" and have sadly lost a few of them along the way. If they ever needed me or wanted to meet up again I would be there in a second. Usually a shared past can at least lead to the rekindling of some happy memories even if that is all that come of it. Given that she cancelled on the day of just goes to show that she isn't even worth the time it took you to write the blog. I imagine her life is probably in the shitter and she doesn't want to see how well yours turned out.
I am sorry that you are feeling down.If I saw her on the street I would give her a swift kick in the arse with my new loiues for you!

A big xoxo from across the pond.

that girl? said...

Auntie G - Nostalgia can have a lot to answer for! I shall not indulge it any longer!
Tara - You're right about not knowing the circumstances - the past was always very up and down so I wonder wether it still is or if not perhaps she doesn't want to be reminded of it. And I have tons to be grateful for my "missing sis"... and if you're offering chocolate, mines Green and Blacks Dark With Cherries please!
Home Office Mum - Wise words indeed - I am staying firmly in the present from no on!
CTTF - I agree with you agreeing with Tara! When I ducked out because I felt in the way, there was no effort made to get in touch so I guess that's my answer! I feel much better about it today and yours and everyones lovely (and wise) comments have helped me realise it was a mistake to get in touch in the first place. Hugs to you for your kind words! x
Antonella - that doesnt sound cynical at all but a very good strategy! The happening has been "pruned" from my mind and I shall nurture my new bloggy friend tree shoots instead!
NSM - I did wonder how on earth we would begin to catch up and also if there would be too many unanswered questions. I definitely don't tolerate as much now either so this way is for the best.
Susanna - I have some wonderful non bloggy and now bloggy friends so I can't ask for much more. My fizzle is well and truly fuzzled now!
YM - Thanks for your support - as ever! If I was to take a bet on this one (and Im not a gambling kind of gal!), I would say that she's not a bad person, just possibly still mixed up. Or maybe mixed up by my making contact - whatever the case I think it would have been better if she had just either ignored the contact in the first place or said that right from the off instead of leaving it until the night before! But, stupidly, it didn't surprise me! And don't you go kicking anyone with those new Louie's... you might damage them! x

grammatically impaired said...

sometimes i think when two friends part ways you never really know exactly what the other is thinking. I often find myself missing friendships of old close friends and wonder if they ever do the same. I think sometimes the longer the time goes the harder it is (and shouldn't it be the complete opposite)... an ended friendship no matter how passive the "break up" was is still an ended friendship.

I think contacting her was very brave of you... but i guess she just was not done dealing with her own stuff.

nixdminx said...

Hello, I found your blog on Thames Valley Mums. To me it's a case of not Friends Reunited but Friends We Have Slighted! The most hilarious thing happened when some of my old classmates reconnected and discovered that apparently someone in our school and gone through a gender reassignment. We whiled away hours wondering who it was - it became quite a funny game and we were texting each other at odd hours as our brainwaves had hit upon the right one(?!). What an anticlimax to discover who it really was - someone none of us could really remember and NONE of the people we had thought it would be. Oooops.

nappy valley girl said...

Oh I hate people who cancel at the last minute. And it sound as if it's for no good reason either!

The older I get, the more I get to thinking that the people I have lost touch with, I've lost touch with for a reason. Either we didn't have enough in common any more, or it was someone who was just crap at keeping in touch. I have plenty of friends who have fallen by the wayside because they simply cancelled on me too many times, or failed to show up for important parties etc.

So don't worry about your friend; you're better off without her.

notSupermum said...

Hey, I've tagged you on my blog!

A Modern Mother said...

So, any more word on this?

that girl? said...

Grammatically Impaired - Thank you for your wise words. I'd gotten to thinking about her so much that she would sometimes appear in my dreams! Bravery aside I think its best that it didn't get (back) off the ground.
Nixdminx - A class reunion - how cool! I would love to go to one of those... tho after this incident I wouldn't promise to stay in touch! I know of someone at my old work who has gone through a gender reassignment thing recently. It must take courage to go through that sort of process and face people afterwards.
Nappy Valley Girl - Life is too fast and complicated to try and keep tabs on those who clearly don't want to be tabbed! One week on and I am over it!
NSM - catching up on blogging today so will be with you the tag soon! Thanks!
Susanna - No further word - not so much as a cheap from a little birdy! But I'm glad as it proves it was not meant to be.

Tara@Sticky Fingers said...

I would just like to point out in response to Suzanna's (A Modern Mother) comment, I am in the wonderful camp - not the wierd.
You can fight that one out among yourselves!

that girl? said...

Tara - You are in the wonderful camp but I bet you have some ever so slightly weird aspects too? Sellotape on the fingernail aversion, aubergines...? Oh no that was me! x